The "How Men Become Dogs" Series

So lately, I have become very engaged in watching "Ackward Black Girl." In watching this web series, I came across "How Men Become Dogs." My questions to you are: Have you seen these series? Do you agree with the methodology of it all? Do you think that this type of thought is acceptable?

In the beginning of these series, I could see how the men in these situations could have temporarily changed their characters for the worst. These men had women calling them punks, disrespecting them, and just stepping all over their manhood.

Episode 1

 

After watching a few series, I started to think about everything and put it into another perspective. While the beginning of the series told the story of men being hurt by women, the middle portion displayed men changing their character to find true happiness.

Episode 9

 

Do I ever agree with people changing their character to get the girl or guy that they want? Definitely not. After spending a day engulfed in these series, my mind became wrapped around the fact of people allowing others to impact their lives in a negative way. The reason I say this is because sometimes we allow people to permanently alter our character and change who we were raised to be or intended to be. We allow their negative comments, as seen in the episodes above (Men don't pack picnic baskets) to tell us who we think we should be.

My suggestion to you is not to "Aim low and reap what is at the bottom of the barrel." Always strive to "Aim high" to reach the top or fall somewhere in between. So what I am really saying is that if you meet someone who does not accept you for who you are, keep looking. Life is funny in the way that sometimes people are brought into our lives to teach us a valuable lesson. They prepare us for the things we will receive in the future. These preparations may come in the form of bad relationships, disloyalty, and corruption. We as people have to see these situations as opportunities to grow further and become the best us. Are you ready to become the best you?

~Don't lose yourself tying to fit into what people want you to be.

Love Expectations: Speaking from Experience

To love...

In the beginning
In the beginning of relationships, we as women and men have to acknowledge that we sometimes expect too much. Sometimes our expectations get in the way of true happiness. Our expectations have the ability of blinding us from what truly lies in front of us. I for one want to let down my guard and allow true happiness to knock at my front door and fill my house with love. That’s right folks. I said “Love.” Tell me this, what type of life would we live without someone to love, someone to hold, and someone who we could be ourselves around and he or she appreciate this? We are in a state of denial if we think that this type of stuff does not matter. Love matters.

My previous expectations:

In being inexperienced with love in my mid-twenties, I expected too much from love. I expected love to be honest and considerate, open doors, have no or one kid, be monogamous, only make me smile, and be available anytime I needed it. Some of my expectations were good things to expect; however the others were way out of line. The truth of the matter is that love could not live up to my expectations because love was not built to abide by a set of rules. A few years ago, I had a conversation with one of my male acquaintances about dating and love. He told me that he was going to aim low when dating because the females at his college expected too much from him. He stated that these young women at his school wanted him to buy them things, take then out to dinner, and spend money on them that he did not have. This young man stated that if he aimed lower, maybe he could find a female who did not expect so much from him. In taking in the information that I had just received, I could believe what I was being told. I am definitely not saying that all females are this way; however I could definitely relate to what he was stating. 

What I have learned though living:

Love taught me so much over the years. One thing I have learned is that what I expect from love is not always what I am going to get from love. I am definitely not in control over love and how it should work. I vowed to live my life “As is” and let love show me the direction it will take me.

To the person who showed me how to let my guard down: Thanks love!   

~Have you checked-in your expectations today?

Persnickety

Today while sitting in the café area of a well-known grocery store, I overheard two women talking. One woman stated, “Right now I am single and I am enjoying myself. There’s been a lot of spiritual growth and getting to know myself lately.” I could not concur with her more. I agree with her because I truly believe that before you can be in a relationship with anyone, you have to understand your wants, needs, and desires. The best way to understand yourself is by being by yourself for an extended amount of time.

In 2006, I entered into a two year relationship. My prior relationship record was not good because I could not seem to make it past the three month relationship mark. I was definitely going to give this relationship a chance because I had to make sure it could be done. Well, by the third month, I was ready to throw in the towel. This guy was too needy and seemed to have a continuous altering mood; he needed me to walk him through things I considered simple, perform those simple tasks for him and want for the relationship seemed to change depending on if he was working or laid off. I found myself being concerned with this individual more than I was concerned for my own well-being. Within those two years, I had broken up with him at least three times and had considered breaking up with him on a constant basis. What always brought us back together was the fact that I felt bad for him, when I really should have just considered my feelings in the relationship. The feelings that I held for this individual were definitely not being reciprocated; I was often the one providing for us, even when he had a job and I moved forward in the relationship with the perception that the word team included both of us.

My two year relationship made me take a few steps back, so I could re-evaluate the situation. I asked myself a few questions: What was the relationship doing for me? Was the relationship helping me grow? Could I see myself with this individual in the future? Was our relationship built on a foundation of trust and loyalty? And what was I getting out of the relationship? After answering no or nothing to practically all of those questions, I knew it was time for me to get to know myself a bit more and determine my likes and dislikes. I ended my two years of blissful misery and started my four year journey toward getting to know myself. It was such an experience because I started to identify things I liked in myself and things I wanted in a mate. While many of my friends and family found me to be picky, I thought to myself, “Why not? Why not be picky?” I think I definitely deserved to be picky, especially where I was headed. I needed someone that could accompany me on my journey and who could easily fit into my life without all the complications that I was accustomed to. I wanted to be able to have an in depth conversation with that person and be able to talk about life, love, and even politics. I wanted the information he possessed to be fact-based and not emotional-based. I wanted his words to be true and I did not have to determine if he was telling a lie. Is that too much to ask for?

~I'm worth the time it takes to make good choices. Are you?

What a Man Wants? What a Man Needs?

What do men really want in a woman?  Well, the verdict is in and ready to be discussed.  In a recent focus group, I met with men between the ages of 30 to 40 years of age.  These men stated that they were looking for someone they call a “Real Woman.”  Ms. Real Woman is smart, can engage in various intellectual conversations, listens, cares about her significant other, and most of all, she acts like a woman. 

Men stress the importance of relationships being give and take and their need of being treated like a king.  Men are willing to give to the relationship; however giving has to be reciprocated from the woman.  A close friend of mine once told me that “Women want to be treated like queens; however in the same instance, they have to be willing to treat their boyfriends or husbands like kings.  It’s only fair.”  Men definitely want equality in the relationship and at the same time the opportunity to take his place as being the protector of the family.  They believe that each sex plays a vital role in the family, whether it is being a protector or the rock of the family.

Finding Ms. Right for men has not been easy because they face the same struggles that women face when looking for Mr. Right.  One individual told me that “I don’t care about my mate being pretty; I care more about her inner beauty, intelligence, and our connection.”  Men also stressed that there’s no one person that was made for them.  They stated that if a woman has some of the qualities they want, they are willing to put more interest in her by helping her develop various skills to make her Mrs. Wife. 

Men want the same things in life that women want, such as the American Dream.  The American Dream consists of having a family, home, job, and other necessities to make life much better.  One friend told me that “No one wants to be alone for the rest of his or her life.  Everyone generally arrives at a stage in life when they need and or want to have a partner.”  I was also told that men and women are constantly looking toward the future and want various pleasures in life that consists of: Marriage, children, and a stable household.     

In conclusion, men want women to listen, be patient, relinquish some of the power and control, and have intellectual conversations.  Is that too much to ask for?  Not at all.  Do you agree?

Men and Women: We Need Each Other

The truth to living a comfortable life is that men and women need each other.  We need each other for our physical and mental capabilities.  We need that emotional factor that pulls us into each other’s spirit.  We need the security that we provide each other.  We need love reciprocated at a monogamous level.  We need the discussion aspect of the relationship that makes us well rounded and feel appreciated.  Now the listening part of the relationship can be tricky because the fact of the matter is that we don’t always listen to each other.  Honestly, I can be accused of not listening to a significant other.  It was nothing he or I had done; it was just that we sometimes needed time to ourselves to process various things in our lives in order to be there for each other.  We wanted to be there for each other, so we listened; although our minds were somewhere else. 

Has anyone heard the comment before, “Men and women can be independent and don’t need to be loved?”  Well, I’m here to say that the statement is not true.  In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Theory, he reveals a level of needing to be loved.  While the love of family and friends is great, there is nothing that can compare to loving and being loved by a significant other; Being loved by a person that truly understands you and by someone who can read you inside out.  Love of family and friends cannot replace the love of a significant other who is going to cuddle with you at night when you need security or the warmth of another body.  It also will not replace the truthfulness of your significant other stating that you gained a little weight, but he likes it on you.

Now, I’m definitely not telling you to go out and get into a relationship with just anyone because you still need to make a well-informed decision when dating.  I am just telling you to acknowledge that each gender plays a specific role in each other’s life.  We need to respect each other, stop focusing on the other gender’s negative traits, and love each other for who they are and will be.   

~We need each other

Why Do People Cheat?

As the amount of marriages decline, we have to ask ourselves a question, “can this be attributed to cheating?”  Many people I have spoken with have various opinions to what they constitute cheating as; however can agree to one thing and that is their dislike of being cheated on.

Cheating is an act that makes some people upset, angry, confused, and insecure.  It can make significant others and lovers do things that they never thought they would do, such as: Hiding in the bushes, confronting friends, becoming confrontational, and acting out of character.  Who really has time to act in this manner?  Apparently some people do because these are still some of the current reactions to cheating. 

In trying to understand why people cheat, we have to understand the person and the environment he or she had been raised.  You have some men and women who were exposed to cheating at a very young age.  They saw their mother or father interact inappropriately with other people or they were told certain things about the other gender.  An example of this is of a father telling his young son that he should not allow any one girl to entrap his heart, like his mother did to his father.  He tells his son to date many girls and have many relationships while he is still young enough to do it.  The son receiving the advice may think he only has two options, which are to stay single for the rest of his life and live a glorious bachelor’s life or to get married to someone who he will sooner or later dip out on (cheat on).    

Another reason someone cheats is because he or she is looking for something else.  How many times have you ordered lunch at a restaurant, but really wanted something else instead?  Well, some people choose to keep the dish they have because with the right spices, anything is possible.  Others chose to eat the dish they ordered and then pick up a dish on the way home to make up for what the first dish lacked.  People deem this as “having your cake and eating it too.”   This type of individual likes variety, which means he or she can enjoy having the intellectual conversation with one individual, while having loads of fun with another individual.  He or she also may like having the financial stability that a lawyer can provide, while living dangerously with his stripper girlfriend or her biker boyfriend.  This more or less is a learned trait that could have been brought on by conversations with friends, watching movies, or wanting to experience life.  This individual may be of a younger age and easily influenced by others, but ages vary nowadays. 

What about those individuals that have become so accustomed to cheating that it is like wearing shorts and a tank top in the summertime?  To them, cheating or stepping out on their partner is a given.  They would not see it any other way.  These individuals include, but are not limited to the star football player on a well-known high school team, the promiscuous sorority girl on campus, or even the family-oriented minister.  Cheating is often the result of a dilemma which can be brought on by someone who has done it numerous times or someone who is looking for an outlet to some type of hurt that he or she has experienced.  The challenging part of cheating is the portion that deals with being faithful to the one you love.    

A few comments that I have heard from males about cheating is that their girlfriend or wife has let herself go, meaning that she gained weight, does not cook or clean anyone, or has changed.  It seems to me that sometimes, it is not only the woman who has let go of herself, but the man as well.  Isn’t that what love is about?  Letting go and being comfortable around the individual you love?  If we as people have to worry about not letting go, is it even worth the sacrifice?  Some comments that I have heard from females about cheating is that they are looking for more in a mate.  They are unhappy with their conditions because they feel as though they are not being appreciated or respected.  Have you heard of the saying that “when you first meet someone, you are meeting their representative?”  You are not meeting the true person because the person is trying to impress you in some way, shape, or form.  I actually call it lying because it is not your true self and you are impressing people with a fake persona.  Doing this could possibly lead to being dumped, cheated on, and maybe even a healthy relationship once you and your significant other have exposed the truth.    

So I conclude with stating that the decline in marriages could be attributed to cheating; however more research would have to take place in order to correlate those two variables.  As a population within an environment increases its knowledge of current problems and issues, it also increases awareness to create tactics to eliminate those situations.  One tactic is having an open conversation where both parties can be totally honest with each other.  Another tactic is helping the person who has cheated with working out certain issues or concerns that he or she may have with the other gender.  There certainly are many other tactics that may be helpful in understanding this issue.  Start this journey to understanding by being open-minded, receptive, and willing to forgive. 

Women and Subprime Home Loans

Today, I read two articles that were very interesting.  The articles were called In Subprime Fallout, Women Take a Heavy Hit and Women More Likely to Receive Subprime Home Loans; Disparity Highest for Women with Highest Incomes.  I found these articles to be very informative in the areas of predatory lending, subprime loans, and the disproportionate disadvantage of securing prime loans for women.  It was noted that "women are more likely to receive subprime home mortage than men."  The "higher rates of subprime lending make it harder for households headed by women to build wealth through homeownership."  Some of your first questions should be:  Why are women receiving higher rates than men?  What is the current credit score of these women?  What is their previous credit score history?  The Consumer Federation of America states "evidence suggests that women have slightly higher credit scores on average than men."  In that being stated, a higher credit score would suggest that women are paying their bills on time and taking the necessary steps to be financially fit.  I would naturually think that a higher credit score would allow consumers to receive the lower possible rates, which is not the case in the above situations.

African American and Latino women have also seen varing differences in their mortgages rates in comparison to white men. "African American women earning double the area median income were nearly five times more likely to receive subprime home purchase mortgages than white men with similar income and latino women earning twice the area median income where about four times more likely to receive subprime purchase mortgages then white ment with similar earnings."  The article, In Subprime Fallout, also noted "some loans were not technically subprime, but they were still very dangerous."  My immediate question to this noted comment is, what are the other loans that are "dangerous, but not technically subprime?"  It only would be right for me and others to understand the different loans and our rights.

Suggestions:
It is evident that more training needed to be provided to home buyers and mortgage lenders should put something in place where they would have to talk about the different mortgage options to its consumers.  Lenders could also offer mortgage classes once a month, which would require a loan monitor from the city, state, or national level to attend.  This option would give the customer reassurance that the lender was talking about all of their mortgage options.  I suggest that consumers do the background work before purchasining a house, which consists of creating a budget and determining their ability in affording a home.  In purchasing a home, it is not only the consumers responsibility to make sure their needs and finacial state has been reviewed, but also the lenders.  While most of the suggestions were created off of the detailed articles above, this author recognizes that current programming may already be in place.